What Every Family Member Should Know About When It's Time To Search For A Senior Community

by Kenneth Strong
February 6, 2010

What Every Family Member Should Know About When It’s Time To Search For A Senior Health Care Community (Part Two)

The first scenario in last month’s article involved admission to a senior health care community because of an unexpected medical condition that made such an admission a necessity. Our next scenario is a planned admission. This is the hard part.

Scenario Number Two

You may have noticed some subtle changes in your loved one’s behavior, nothing too bizarre or dangerous, but changes that cannot be ignored. For example there may be evidence of some minor forgetfulness, perhaps personal hygiene has diminished, hair is not washed, there’s body odor, and fingernails are uncut, never polished or just dirty.

Maybe your loved one is showing signs of short temper or aggression, striking out at you or others. You may have noticed visible weight loss or bruises on his or her arms and legs. A neighbor may have called you at work to inform you about finding your loved one roaming the streets.

Until recently your loved one may have been an immaculate housekeeper or always well dressed. His or her mail may be piling up unopened or there may be an unusual number of packages arriving from QVC. His or her checkbook may have far too many checks written to unknown agencies or lotteries from overseas. His or her car, formerly in good condition, may have unexplained dings and dents or the police department may have taken his or her driver’s license. By now perhaps you have your own additions to scenario number two.

So, what do you do? First I suggest that you keep a journal as these things begin to happen. Make sure to record the date and time of each event. At some point your level of comfort with your loved one being alone or with your ability to provide care will reach its limit. Because you’ve recorded the events in detail your physician or other caregiver will be in a better position to make an appropriate recommendation for the benefit of your loved one. Some of the options may be adult day care, home health care or a companion.

You may have wonderful memories of your loved one being healthy, vibrant, active and engaging, but that is not what you are seeing and experiencing now. You are determined to do anything necessary to avoid placing your loved one in a senior health care community and to provide the care required and support, but there is a danger in that.

The danger is that many times the caregiver’s health and financial resources fail. In some cases the excessive energy required to care for a loved one results in the premature death of the caregiver or divorce of the adult child (usually the daughter) taking care of an ill, aging parent. You must not sacrifice your health, your family or your financial resources to care for a loved one.

Two of your goals should be to protect your loved one from self-neglect and to improve his or her quality of life. That’s why we are going to learn how to find a great nursing home.

Now the question becomes which senior health care community is the best option for your loved one and you? (I will be discussing each of these options in future articles.)

It is best to have an array of options rather than advice when talking about moving to a senior health care community. Ask your loved one to share his or her thoughts about making a move. You want to make it an open conversation without framing it with your values and needs. While the senior years may be a rewarding time full of adventure and satisfaction it is also a time of loss of loved ones, friends, independence and health. Think of yourself as a guide rather than a decision maker as to what is best for your loved one, especially as an adult child.

Treat your loved one with dignity and respect, tell them that you love them and you will be there for them no matter what happens in the future. If possible involve siblings in the discussions to avoid conflicting messages and confusion. I urge you to begin these discussions prior to an event that makes the decision for you. Remember it is a very emotional time to decide to move to a senior health care community.

Until Next Month
Enjoy the Moment

Kenneth E. Strong Jr. is the Executive Director of Glenwood Retirement Community